(click play on the player to have us read it to you)

One Day in Rehab

Plagued by depression and suicide attempts, alone in my head and hiding from my feelings and emotions, I truly was a lost soul. 

At the beginning of a 90-day program, substances flushing out of my body, surrounded by strangers who were also suffering emotional pain, I had no choice but to face my emotions head-on. I had to re-learn myself, find myself; this was a very frightening thing to do. One unique yet impactful exercise given to me was to write down all the negative things I told myself throughout the day. The list was long and what I wrote was terrible. I wrote, “Why bother?” “I hate myself,” “I hate my life,” “I am a loser,” and the list goes on. So many negative thoughts. Once I was finished I handed them to my counsellor. Over the course of about six weeks of group therapy and one-on-one council I had completely forgotten about doing this.

Then one sunny day, while resting in a hammock, another client approached me. He was using a negative tone right off the bat, saying things like “Why the fuck are you here anyway,” “You’re just a loser,” “You’re just wasting time,” and other unsavory things. After a few minutes, I began to get angry and frustrated with him. I was getting ready to pounce.

My counsellor jumped in front of me, stuck a piece of paper in my face and said, “if he can’t say these things to you, why on earth is it OK for you to say them to yourself?” I was floored. From that point forward I was cautious about how I thought and what I thought. I needed to practice some mindfulness techniques: self-awareness, self-compassion, self-love. A powerful experience; one I wish everyone could have.